It’s been a rough couple of weeks since my husband passed. He was such a huge part of my life. I didn’t even realize how much until he was gone. The sadness and tears come when I think about what I’ve lost. And I think about it all the time because he is everywhere I turn.
He’s fixing our favorites for breakfast––bacon, eggs, and cinnamon rolls. He’s sitting on the couch laughing at something funny on the tv. He’s sitting next to me on the porch drinking his coffee while I drink my tea. He’s giving our dog Bella lots of love and belly rubs. He’s standing right next while I’m washing the dishes.
I know that eventually things will settle down. That time will heal the loss, but it feels very far away sometimes.
Surprisingly, I’ve been able to move forward to some degree. Some moments I even manage to feel okay. One of the things that has helped is remembering all the time we had together. We had twenty-one years of marriage. That’s a lot of memories, and a large majority of them were good ones.
Another help has been the large outreach of love from many friends and family. If there could be a good side to this whole experience, it would be the amazing amount of phone calls, texts, facebook messages, and cards I’ve received in the last two weeks.
I wanted to take a moment to send out this thank you to all who have reached out to me, all who allowed me to call/text/message to express my grief, all who were kind enough to send much needed donations, and those who were able to come and spend a little time with Caleb and myself last week. All of it has been such a huge blessing, and I appreciate it very much. It’s helped make an unbearable experience a little easier.
I’m slowly starting to make some plans for what comes next. There’s still a lot of uncertainty, but it’s getting a little easier to move forward. I know Dean would want Caleb and I to do what makes us happy, so at least I know what to shoot for. I’m just trying to adjust to what happy looks like without him there too.
Appreciation helps me stay positive, so I try to live there as much as I can, because even though this is a hard transition, there’s still so much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for the great memories I have with Dean. I’m grateful for all the love I’m receiving from so many people. I am thankful for the new (and closer) bonds I’m making with friends and family since Dean passed. And I am thankful that I have grown enough to see the good spots even in the bad.
Above is a video Caleb and I put together for the family memorial we had for Dean last week. It’s a little long (what can I say, I love taking pictures), but I’m sharing it for those who would like to get a small taste of some of the awesome moments our family has had. I hope you enjoy.